RAMONA: My daughter thinks you’ve ruined me.
NIGEL: I’ve ruined you?
RAMONA: For other men. For... real men. You know, cause none of them could possibly live up to the fantasy of you. No real man is capable of loving a woman like you love. But I expect them to, anyway. I expect them to care enough to notice things, you know? Like my hair.
NIGEL: You covered up the grey. It looks stunning on you.
NIGEL: Your new earrings. They perfectly frame your face.
RAMONA: Thank you. They were on sale. Or is it really that hard to say, “Looks like you had a hard day. Here, let me give you a massage.”?
NIGEL: It’s not hard. That’s exactly what I did.
RAMONA: Because you notice things. Like the scratch on my hand. You actually notice things. Real men don’t notice anything. One time I cooked an entire supper for my husband in the nude and he didn’t even notice.
NIGEL: (laughing) I don’t believe that for a second.
RAMONA: No. It’s true! I placed his dinner in front of him and without looking up, he said, “Looks delicious.” He was talking about the pork chops. Not me. I watched him as he ate and it wasn’t until the meat was clean off the bone that he finally noticed me standing there naked as a jay.
NIGEL: I don’t like this guy one bit.
RAMONA: He looked so... confused.
NIGEL: What a jerk.
RAMONA: No. It was funny. The look on his face. I couldn’t help but laugh. The whole thing was ridiculous. And we both just laughed and laughed.
(She takes a moment to enjoy the memory. Then she turns sad.)
NIGEL: You’re sad.
RAMONA: You noticed.
Ramona is a forty-something widow living with a sexy, fictional vampire and her sixteen year-old-daughter Ryan, who refuses to learn how to drive. They have been getting by just fine in life. Except for Ramona's compulsive shopping and Ryan's explosive temper, that is. So when Ramona decides to rent out the spare room to a mysterious stranger, Ryan rebels. Three women and one imaginary vampire collide in a historical Victorian home with a past of its own, in this play about immortal love, mothers and daughters, and redemption.
*This play began as a Heideman Award finalist ten-minute play titled, "Edward Cullen Ruined My Mother's Love Life."